re-revelations
by sparklyblues
Summary: Basically a 're write of revelations from JJ s pic and some other stuff throwing in there too.
1. Chapter 1

(A/n) okay, I apologise for the really bad grammatical, spelling and the overall technicality of this piece. It was written in ten minutes on my phone and I didn't have the time last night to check it all. So I apologise again and thank you to tanerose5 for pointing this out for me (it's never been bad I swear!). I also played about with ages and things like that too so please read and review and tell me what you all think!

Re-revelations

After the hankel case, we had picked up Reid from the hospital as soon as we could. He hated them and all that he needed to do was watch out for the withdrawal symptoms. Fortunately, he'd had none. Yet. We all piled into the plane, Reid sitting on one of the chairs along with everyone else. All of them completely ignoring me. It's not that I'm selfish and looking for attention but the only person to ask me if I was alright was Reid. Only he had noticed that I'd been ill. Coming down with the flu most likely. No matter what, even if they all think I'm older than Reid, I'd always put him first. There was only two people on the team that knew that he was really the senior agent that night. Reid and Hotch. I'd had a bit of a bad child hood and to avoid it all coming back, I'd had to change a few things about me. Again, only hotch and Reid knew that. I was left with the couch. I sat at the end seat and got some files out, planning on working my guilt away. I think I got about three files in when Hotch stopped me.

"JJ, stop. You know it wasn't your fault. I know what you're doing and I won't let you do it." He said sternly.

"Tough then, Hotch. I need to do something, I'm not as experienced as everyone else on this team. I need to prove that I can be here, to you, the brass and to everyone else. I love my job Hotch, but most people just see me as a face, someone who talks to the press. A puppet. And I need to show them that I'm not. So please, just let me do this." I near enough begged him.

He stared at me awestruck, I'd never told anyone that that was how I felt. I knew that's what most people seen me as. I know he knew too. Can't blame me can he?

" I don't care. You helped so much with this case, JJ. You done everything you could have and unfortunately someone got hurt. You need to remember that you're not a field agent too. Everyone else is. He doesn't blame you and neither does the rest of the team. It's okay" he said after he recovered from my out burst.

"Really Aaron? You really think they don't blame me. Look at them right now. They haven't spoken to me since I was found in the barn. When I confronted them, I got told it was my fault. How can I not think it's my fault? I haven't slept in about four days, trying to get him back, prove that I'm more than a puppy dog obeying its master. I've already went and started the classes to help more on cases. I don't want to be a profiler but I don't want to be seen as someone who just sits there. I'm going to be a field agent so I can come on raids and know what to do. I can't let something like this happen again. I really don't have any clue how to fix this. I feel like the weak link in the team and I feel like I'm letting you all down. And I can't apologise enough for that" I started to feel a little worse now, kinda faint.

"JJ, your ill. And don't bother denying that" I quickly shut my mouth" like you said, you haven't slept in nearly four days and you are making yourself worse. I've known you for years JJ and I know what you're like, so do me a favour and get some sleep then you can finish your reports." He said it so kindly and actually seemed like he cared that I couldn't refuse him.

"Fine" I relented. I quickly packed up my things and stowed them away safely in my briefcase where another ten reports needing me were.I seen Hotchs' eyes look into my briefcase when it was opened.

"How many reports do you bring with you on a case JJ?" He asked.

"It depends, usually about twenty or so, I do them whenever I'm not needed on a case or at night in my hotel room. Whenever I can, I can't let people die." I said, quite defeated now.

"Okay, tomorrow. After three when you come in, we will talk about this, okay? Just get some rest please"

I lay down on the couch and turned my back towards him, trying to sleep as fast as I could. I felt him drape a blanket over me and walk away. I decided to zone in on everyone's conversation. What I didn't think I would hear was my family talking about me. Hating me.


	2. Chapter 2

felt annoyed. Annoyed at myself for letting that happen to my baby brother, for letting the team down, for not taking every case that came across my desk. I knew it was irrational but I couldn't help it. I knew I do my best at my job, I knew I couldn't have prevented anything from happening but I still blamed myself and to know that my family blamed me too killed me. I drifted off after letting a few tears escape down my cheeks.

I woke to Hotch gently shaking me awake."JJ we're about to start landing, you need to put your belt on"

"Okay, thanks" I mumbled. I looked into his face and see. His questioning stare. I shook my head. Not now.

I stood up, shaking the blanket off me and gently folding it up and placing it back on the arm of the couch. I went to the back of the plane where there was an empty seat away from everyone and belted myself I. And pulling me legs up to my chest, curling In on myself. I rested my head on my knees. I got a sudden wave of nausea, and my stomach flipped. I barely had enough time to get to the toilet before anything that was left in my stomach came back up. I felt lim eh had been heaving for hours before I felt someone gently stroke my hair back, holding it until I was done. I hadn't even heard them come in.

"Go away, I'm fine. I just ate something bad" i grumbled out.

"You know I'm not going away anytime soon unless you tell me what's going on." I hear Hotch say. Of course it was him, it want going to be anyone else was it?

"Nothing's wrong. I already told you, I ate something bad." I said a little more firmly.

"We both know that you haven't been well since after he got taken, you were just too stubborn to tell anyone." He replied. It's not that I was being stubborn. There was more pressing issues to deal with than my health.

I didn't reply to him as I had been holding off the sickness. My stomach rolled again and I started heaving into the toilet again. I finally finished and stood up on shaky legs, stabling myself on his arms waiting for the dizziness to pass. I rinsed out my moth and turned around to go out of the toilet when Hotch stopped me from going around him to get out.

"JJ, come on we are all worried about you. Don't do this to yourself" I scoffed at him whilst rolling my eyes when he said that everyone else was worried about me.

He raised his eyebrows at that but didn't say anything. I decided to lie to him. God, I was about to lie to a profiler. " I have the stomach flu, I was going to call in sick the day we flew out but I decided not to, you guys might need me but you do fine in your own" I didn't know if he got the hint that I might leave. It may have been irrational but I couldn't cope with it all anymore. The guilt was eating me alive.

" we don't JJ, we need you, you're the glue around here and wether they like it or not you belong here. So don't bother think of leaving us. I know what it's been like recently for you, that's why I have ordered you to have some time with a shrink. it's just to help out. We can't loose you." His voice was almost pleading. I couldn't help but cast my eyes down to the ground from the shame that I felt. If anything I knew that he cared but it didn't help much.

" thanks" I said. I was grateful for the hell that he was giving me but I just wanted to get to my bed now. He seemed to sense that I wanted to go and he stepped aside, letting me pass him. I walked out to them all looking at me before looking away, some drawing their eyes off me. It hurt. I resumed my position from earlier, waiting for us to land so I could escape the unwanted feelings and tension from the plane and it's passengers.

(A/n) thanks for all the great comments, I really appreciate them. I know this isn't much but I hope it will do for now. I'm so sorry for my bad updating, I just recently got qualified as a coach so I'm going to be busy ( I got asked to help at a small commonwealth event!) but I do swear that I will update as often as i can xoxox

-Kara


	3. Chapter 3

god, that plane couldn't have landed any sooner. the tension in the air was suffocating and I needed to get out. when the plane touched down I couldn't get off it any faster if I had tried. I'd yanked off the belt and grabbed my go bag and was out the door before anyone even knew what had happened. I speed walked to my car and hopped in. fighting back the tears. I turned the ignition on and sped away, grateful to be alone for once on this case. there was only one downside. I had time to think. think about what I could have done to help him, to stop it happening. I should have gotten back up after I shot the dogs but no. I was just weak and pathetic and freaked out and got scared. I'm not supposed to get scared, I'm in the frigging FBI for god sakes!

Before I knew it I was pulling into my drive and I was sobbing hysterically. I couldn't catch my breath, even when I tried to no avail to get it back, slowly calming my self down. I had stopped crying but my chest felt tight and constricting. I heard a small chap at the window of the car to see a concerned hotch standing there. I unlocked to doors so he could open it.

"JJ! calm down, breathe. try to match my breathing." he began to take deep breaths but it wasn't working, I just started to feel light headed. I shook my head, starting to feel frightened at my inability to breathe.

"hold on JJ, I'm just going to call an ambulance, keep matching my breaths, come on. you can do it. in. out. in. and out." he dialled his cell and was quickly put trough to an operator

"_911, what's your emergency?"_

"I have a federal agent down, she is unable to breathe, looks like a panic attack but nothing is working to get her to calm down."

"_ okay,we have an ambulance on it's way. how long has she been like that?"_

" about five minutes I have been here but she has been here ten minutes before me"

"_okay, the ambulance shouldn't be too far now, treat it like a panic attack and put her head between her knees, sir"_

"JJ, put your head between your knees and keep doing the deep breaths." I followed his instructions but that just made it worse, it got tighter and tighter, I was starting to make strangled breaths now.

"no, that makes it worse for her. I can hear the sirens"

_" sir, take her out of the vehicle and make sure she stays still, we need to try and get her airways open or the crew will have to intubate"_

_"_JJ, out of the car" I done as he said, it slightly alleviated the pressure but not by much.

the ambulance pulled up and medics came rushing towards us.

"miss, have you got any allergies." I nodded yes. I had a severe reaction to morphine but I hadn't had any. I was allergic to nuts, again I hadn't had any and I was allergic to certain flowers but nothing substantial.

"okay, I think we are going to have to intubate , we can either sedate you or-"

I nodded vigorously, I didn't want to be awake for that. he led me to the ambulance and laid me down before telling me I might feel a slight nip. once ii did, all I felt was the darkness surrounding me.

(a/n) i thought i had posted this, it's actually been sitting here for a few months so i apologise for that, i don't have any medical knowledge at all so i'm just gooing with what i write , again reviews are welcome xxx


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